Filthy Unventions

Do you like spying on girls? Do you get your kicks prowling the streets at night peeping in through dormitory windows while nubile, firm bodied students undress?

Ever wanted to indulge in voyeurism but felt too exposed?

Those guys at UNVENT have done it again! For a limited period of a 7 millennia UNVENT is offering you the PORTABLE VOYEUR KIT that lets you peep at anyone, anywhere.

For just £12.95 we’ll rush you your very own pervert peepers pole. It comes complete with attachments that add life-like camoflage backgrounds to instantly mask even the most brazen of peepers.

Trying to peep from behind a bush? No problem! Simply attach the bush attachment to your peeper’s pole! Want to perv from behind a wall? Now you can, just add the wall appendage to the pole and get peeping – you’ve still got one hand free!

This unique product is set to revolutionise the world of peeping, allowing you, the peeper, to ogle in any situation. Just hide behind one of our many attachable appendages! Instant peepability

Have you ever wanted to indulge in sexually humiliating practices but lacked either the confidence or a like minded circle of friends?

Ever watched movies and wished that was YOU?

After days of research UNVENT can now offer YOU the opportunity to indulge all your filthy wishes in the privacy of your own four walls.

UNVENT proudly gives you your very own BUKKAKE DIY HOMEKIT.

For as little as £456 Euros this unique sex kits comes with 20 masks and a lifetime’s supply of substitute spunk.

How does it work?

It’s so simple a lobotomized chimp could use it! Stick dozens of our full colour, ‘easy wipe’ 2-D masks all around your room, pull your pants down and think of Liz Hurley. You’ll think you’re at REAL Bukkake event! Now lie back and smear your body in the authentic spunk substitute, UNVENT’s very own SPLAFFPASTE.

It’s just like the real thing!!!!!!

Order today and receive a 90mins DVD of the best in organ based sex sound tracks,

Happy BUKKAKE you happy CHAPPY!

NEW IN!

Mackerel muff… fish flange… prawn pocket…

Are you sick of smelly genitals?

It’s time to throw away your faux pebble air freshener and go straight to the source with Cunt Fan!

Simply attach Cunt Fan to your partner’s navel using our ‘skin safe’ serrated belly clamp. When switched on it’ll waft away any unpleasant smells away and get blasted with your choice of scented breeze.* Cunt Fan will also cool your sweaty head as you engage in cunninglingus – leaving you free to unsnaggle those pesky pubes from your teeth without wretching out both your kidneys.

Cunt Fan is NOT available in the shops. Please send 4,000 florins by homing pigeon to ‘Cunt Fan Ltd. 74 Wiggling Bottom Lane, Lincs’

* Available scents currently include: Bovril, Old Spice – SOLD OUT and Chorizo soup.

No, not birds of the emotion, tampons and nipples variety. I’m talking REAL birds. Birds that flap and shit tipex.

Ever gazed out of your window and watched a bird peck at seeds or wrestle a worm? Sexy isn’t it? Ever seen a bird perched on a branch and thought: I’d love to use my cock as a bird feeding table?

You need Bird WANG.

In conjunction with Bill Oddie, Geoff Capes and Japan we proudly present Bird WANG: the world’s first cock bird feeding table.

For a one off payment of £4,578.99 we’ll rush you Bird WANG, an ergonomic, platinum penis perch direct to your door.

Simply skewer Bird WANG’s rod end firmly into the ground, rest your wanger in the V-Shaped penis holder provided and sprinkle on bird feed. Liberally. Marvel as the birds swoop in droves to peck, gouge and hammer at you pecker.

Joy is just a phone call away.

Buy Bird WANG today and receive a complimentary 1kg bag of ‘potent penis’ bird feed.
** STOP PRESS ** Buy Bird WANG yesterday and receive a signed picture of Bill Oddie wanking an owl.

Struggling to stay awake at work? Tried all the traditional methods: caffeine, crystal meths, bum fingering?

You need Jab-a-wake the only anti-sleep device with a PROVEN 43% success rate among insomniacs, rapists and unborn chimps.

Simply glue Jab-a-wake to your left shoulder blade, insert 17 AAA batteries and press ‘ON’.

At random intervals throughout the day Jab-a-awake’s patented ‘Robot Arm’ technology will whirr into action and poke you DIRECTLY in the eye. Over and over again. Until blood cascades from each of your eye sockets.

Accidentally nodding off at work? Not any more you’re not. You’re about to get a sharp and refreshing jab in the eye.

Image conscious? Worried people might call you names like: ‘freak’, ‘eye-fucker’ or ‘weird cunt’? Don’t panic, we’ve got it covered. Each Jab-a-wake is designed to look EXACTLY like a child’s hand, right down to the chubby fingers and bleeding nails.

Jab-a-awake costs just £27.93 and comes with a 31 day guarantee that you’ll never fall asleep again. Ever.

Love making nuisance calls? Wish you had an extra pair of hands so you could make MORE? Wish you had more phones? Wish you had more mouths so you could abuse several people at once? Well, help is here with NEW Multi Phone Nuisance Call Pro 5000.

This is amazing unvention allows the busy nuisance caller to multi dial up to 50 people simultaneously and abuse them all at once. How does this work I hear you cry?

It’s simple, the Multi Phone Nuisance Call Pro 5000 speed-dials random numbers using it’s coveted ‘pulse tone’ technology. Once the line picks up it automatically selects a message from any one of the Multi Phone Nuisance Call Pro 5000′s 4,999 pre-recorded messages.

Contains such messages as:

• “Smell my bell”
• “I’ve been watching you”
• “Everyone hates you”
• “Jizz off”
• “Gosh you’re a cunt”

This is the ideal toy for the professional nuisance caller who just can’t find time in his busy schedule to abuse strangers. Perfect for whiling away an evening with your trousers round your ankles. The Multi Phone Nuisance Call Pro 5000 let’s you cling onto your special brew and masturbate furiously – without breaking a sweat.

Buy today and get NO bonuses, and an overwhelming sense that you’ve just SPUNKED your money on nothing.

Ever arrived at a pub only to find that there aren’t any seats available?

Hang on a minute, look over there in the corner. There’s a table with enough space to seat 24 orphans, 6 wardrobes and a cow. Hoorah! you cry.

But wait… oh no… there’s someone sitting there. Look at him chuffing away on his Gauloise, sipping wine. The space-stealing CUNT.

You can’t surround his table hoping he’ll leave, that’d be intimidating… besides he’s carefully adorned the table with newspaper articles in a bid to look CLEVER.

Don’t panic, Invisi-Sick’s here to help. Subtly place Invisi-Sick in any pub corner, position it’s patented directional nozzle at Callum/Piers’ face and stand back.

The moment you press ‘FUCK OFF’ on your handy fun-size remote, Invisi Sick will erupt 8 litres of warm, gloopy sick all over the table hogger’s stupid cunt face.

Hey you man.

Who me?

Yes, I’m talking to you.

We’ve all been there before, night out, few Britneys, maybe some pharmaceuticals. The time comes. You need a PISS. You go to the toilet, head for the urinal only to find other men there pissing. Fuck. But now you have to go, because if you don’t it looks like you’ve come in to look at COCKS. You anxiously whip out your frightened member and phleurrrgggh… you’ve got STAGE FRIGHT.

You hum, you mumble, you whistle, you do what you can to let it flow, but it’s no go. And now it looks like you’ve come in to look at COCKS. Not just any COCKS, PISSING COCKS.

The SHAME.

But relax, for help is at hand, thanks to the easy to install and easy to use PISS PEN. Simply attach the PISS PEN the undercarriage of your love stick when it’s a no-go, press the PISS PEN button and hey presto, the magic penis piss pen emits a yellow piss like liquid.

Now you can breathe a fat sigh of relief, safe in the knowledge that the men standing next to you will get copiously splashed with your warm yellow liquid. You can bet your life they’ll leave that urinal thinking you’re a real MAN, not a COCK WATCHER.

Tired of being treated like a fat leper just because the smell of public transport disgusts you? Fed up with ‘red’ Ken taxing you to cruise downtown in your pimped up Nova?

Well now you can throw a LARGE HANDFUL OF SHIT at the Congestion Charge thanks to ‘Ken-Fucker’ – the revolutionary new Congestion Charge invisibility cloak.

“What the fuck is that?” I hear you cry.

‘Ken-Fucker’ is the gobsmacking fruits of a 10 year top secret collaboration between the finest minds in modern science: NASA, MI5 and Mick Hucknell.

Each unit comes with a hi-tech polyurethane sheet, lovingly hand-painted by specially trained pygmy ninjas. Once applied it seamlessly camouflages your car as an everyday road (complete with potholes, dogshit and pissing tramps). So what do the cameras see? Why just a car sized piece of road trundling do the road. TAX THAT!

So next time you drive into town simply stick ‘Ken-Fucker’ to your car with the pritt stick and eucalyptus gum provided and HEY PRESTO! You’re now totally invisible to fascist, wallet-hating Congestion Charge Cameras.

What better way to tell Ken to go fuck himself up the arse with a burnt out Lada? None.

Ever wanted to let rip a flurry of poisoned arrows at someone like a man-sized spitting Cobra?

Well now you can, and with ‘ASBO Stop’ you don’t even need an excuse to start firing. ASBOs are legally fair game FACT! Particularly if you hit them directly in the eyes.

Each ‘ASBO Stop’ set comes in a teak display case, gift wrapped in ASBO skin and semen.

Remember people it’s not a crime to shoot DIRT!!