Let’s face it, most of us wank because we’re bored, ugly – or because we’ve just seen a sexy, naked dwarf.

WankomaticBut is that really enough?

Is it wank! Wanking’s now so much better and it’s all thanks to tight fisted bods at the ‘Big Hand’ University in Tring.

Once you slip your clammy fingers into the ‘Wankomatic’s’ soft velvety sockets you simply won’t be able to take them off – literally, it’s welded to your hand with mud, shit and toothpaste.

I know what you’re thinking… what colours can you expect the wankomatic to make you cum in? Well that all depends on the contents of your balls. Honestly, blue, orange, marigold… take your pick. WHAT!? I hear you cry. I’ve only ever seen white/curdled yellowy viscous fluids escaping from my testicles.

That’s the beauty of wankomatic. Using Global Hypercolour’s proprietary ‘tint technology’ we’ve really wanked up a storm. Blood in your semen? Don’t worry, wank on your hand and the wankomatic glove will instantly turn it royal blue. Flakes of shit shimmying off your bell end? Wankomatic says vivid chamomile.

Look, just try it for just 30 days and if your balls aren’t emptier than a bulimic’s anus we’ll send you an additional 4,000 gloves absolutely free.