Filthy Unventions » Community

Want Birds to Peck Mercilessly at Your Penis?

Admin — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 11:47:37 +0000

No, not birds of the emotion, tampons and nipples variety. I’m talking REAL birds. Birds that flap and shit tipex.

Ever gazed out of your window and watched a bird peck at seeds or wrestle a worm? Sexy isn’t it? Ever seen a bird perched on a branch and thought: I’d love to use my cock as a bird feeding table?

You need Bird WANG.

In conjunction with Bill Oddie, Geoff Capes and Japan we proudly present Bird WANG: the world’s first cock bird feeding table.

For a one off payment of £4,578.99 we’ll rush you Bird WANG, an ergonomic, platinum penis perch direct to your door.

Simply skewer Bird WANG’s rod end firmly into the ground, rest your wanger in the V-Shaped penis holder provided and sprinkle on bird feed. Liberally. Marvel as the birds swoop in droves to peck, gouge and hammer at you pecker.

Joy is just a phone call away.

Buy Bird WANG today and receive a complimentary 1kg bag of ‘potent penis’ bird feed.
** STOP PRESS ** Buy Bird WANG yesterday and receive a signed picture of Bill Oddie wanking an owl.

It’s Good to Talk

Admin — Thu, 17 May 2007 08:46:16 +0000

Love making nuisance calls? Wish you had an extra pair of hands so you could make MORE? Wish you had more phones? Wish you had more mouths so you could abuse several people at once? Well, help is here with NEW Multi Phone Nuisance Call Pro 5000.

This is amazing unvention allows the busy nuisance caller to multi dial up to 50 people simultaneously and abuse them all at once. How does this work I hear you cry?

It’s simple, the Multi Phone Nuisance Call Pro 5000 speed-dials random numbers using it’s coveted ‘pulse tone’ technology. Once the line picks up it automatically selects a message from any one of the Multi Phone Nuisance Call Pro 5000′s 4,999 pre-recorded messages.

Contains such messages as:

“Smell my bell”
“I’ve been watching you”
“Everyone hates you”
“Jizz off”
“Gosh you’re a cunt”

This is the ideal toy for the professional nuisance caller who just can’t find time in his busy schedule to abuse strangers. Perfect for whiling away an evening with your trousers round your ankles. The Multi Phone Nuisance Call Pro 5000 let’s you cling onto your special brew and masturbate furiously – without breaking a sweat.

Buy today and get NO bonuses, and an overwhelming sense that you’ve just SPUNKED your money on nothing.

Guarantee Yourself A Pub Table With ‘Invisi-Sick’

Admin — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 20:55:43 +0000

Ever arrived at a pub only to find that there aren’t any seats available?

Hang on a minute, look over there in the corner. There’s a table with enough space to seat 24 orphans, 6 wardrobes and a cow. Hoorah! you cry.

But wait… oh no… there’s someone sitting there. Look at him chuffing away on his Gauloise, sipping wine. The space-stealing CUNT.

You can’t surround his table hoping he’ll leave, that’d be intimidating… besides he’s carefully adorned the table with newspaper articles in a bid to look CLEVER.

Don’t panic, Invisi-Sick’s here to help. Subtly place Invisi-Sick in any pub corner, position it’s patented directional nozzle at Callum/Piers’ face and stand back.

The moment you press ‘FUCK OFF’ on your handy fun-size remote, Invisi Sick will erupt 8 litres of warm, gloopy sick all over the table hogger’s stupid cunt face.

Clean Up Your Shitty Gaff With ASBO Stop

Admin — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 22:29:03 +0000

Ever wanted to let rip a flurry of poisoned arrows at someone like a man-sized spitting Cobra?

Well now you can, and with ‘ASBO Stop’ you don’t even need an excuse to start firing. ASBOs are legally fair game FACT! Particularly if you hit them directly in the eyes.

Each ‘ASBO Stop’ set comes in a teak display case, gift wrapped in ASBO skin and semen.

Remember people it’s not a crime to shoot DIRT!!