You need Jab-a-wake the only anti-sleep device with a PROVEN 43% success rate among insomniacs, rapists and unborn chimps.

Simply glue Jab-a-wake to your left shoulder blade, insert 17 AAA batteries and press ‘ON’.

At random intervals throughout the day Jab-a-awake’s patented ‘Robot Arm’ technology will whirr into action and poke you DIRECTLY in the eye. Over and over again. Until blood cascades from each of your eye sockets.

Accidentally nodding off at work? Not any more you’re not. You’re about to get a sharp and refreshing jab in the eye.

Image conscious? Worried people might call you names like: ‘freak’, ‘eye-fucker’ or ‘weird cunt’? Don’t panic, we’ve got it covered. Each Jab-a-wake is designed to look EXACTLY like a child’s hand, right down to the chubby fingers and bleeding nails.

Jab-a-awake costs just £27.93 and comes with a 31 day guarantee that you’ll never fall asleep again. Ever.

Who me?

Yes, I’m talking to you.

We’ve all been there before, night out, few Britneys, maybe some pharmaceuticals. The time comes. You need a PISS. You go to the toilet, head for the urinal only to find other men there pissing. Fuck. But now you have to go, because if you don’t it looks like you’ve come in to look at COCKS. You anxiously whip out your frightened member and phleurrrgggh… you’ve got STAGE FRIGHT.

You hum, you mumble, you whistle, you do what you can to let it flow, but it’s no go. And now it looks like you’ve come in to look at COCKS. Not just any COCKS, PISSING COCKS.

The SHAME.

But relax, for help is at hand, thanks to the easy to install and easy to use PISS PEN. Simply attach the PISS PEN the undercarriage of your love stick when it’s a no-go, press the PISS PEN button and hey presto, the magic penis piss pen emits a yellow piss like liquid.

Now you can breathe a fat sigh of relief, safe in the knowledge that the men standing next to you will get copiously splashed with your warm yellow liquid. You can bet your life they’ll leave that urinal thinking you’re a real MAN, not a COCK WATCHER.

Don’t worry, help is on its way with NEW ‘Give a Shit’ for men. Rub this Haitian tree oil onto your crusty spinchter after every meal and BOOM your poo will shatter even the most stubborn cisterns.

No longer will you suffer the humiliation of knowing that ‘the next shitter’ will see your sad, pellety turds bobbing up and down in their piss. No siree. With ‘Giganta-turd’ you’ll have alpha male shitters literally jizzing into the palm of your hand.