Mackerel muff… fish flange… prawn pocket…

Are you sick of smelly genitals?

It’s time to throw away your faux pebble air freshener and go straight to the source with Cunt Fan!

Simply attach Cunt Fan to your partner’s navel using our ‘skin safe’ serrated belly clamp. When switched on it’ll waft away any unpleasant smells away and get blasted with your choice of scented breeze.* Cunt Fan will also cool your sweaty head as you engage in cunninglingus – leaving you free to unsnaggle those pesky pubes from your teeth without wretching out both your kidneys.

Cunt Fan is NOT available in the shops. Please send 4,000 florins by homing pigeon to ‘Cunt Fan Ltd. 74 Wiggling Bottom Lane, Lincs’

* Available scents currently include: Bovril, Old Spice – SOLD OUT and Chorizo soup.

But is that really enough?

Is it wank! Wanking’s now so much better and it’s all thanks to tight fisted bods at the ‘Big Hand’ University in Tring.

Once you slip your clammy fingers into the ‘Wankomatic’s’ soft velvety sockets you simply won’t be able to take them off – literally, it’s welded to your hand with mud, shit and toothpaste.

I know what you’re thinking… what colours can you expect the wankomatic to make you cum in? Well that all depends on the contents of your balls. Honestly, blue, orange, marigold… take your pick. WHAT!? I hear you cry. I’ve only ever seen white/curdled yellowy viscous fluids escaping from my testicles.

That’s the beauty of wankomatic. Using Global Hypercolour’s proprietary ‘tint technology’ we’ve really wanked up a storm. Blood in your semen? Don’t worry, wank on your hand and the wankomatic glove will instantly turn it royal blue. Flakes of shit shimmying off your bell end? Wankomatic says vivid chamomile.

Look, just try it for just 30 days and if your balls aren’t emptier than a bulimic’s anus we’ll send you an additional 4,000 gloves absolutely free.